Malvina Reynolds, made most famous amongst this generation via the intro song to the teevee show, “Weeds”. Oh, but she was so much more revolutionary.

There are certain things I can TOLERATE from drunk college students.

Like when I’m in the Village, just standing around, observing things, and people walk by all cussing and shit? Talking about “Fuck this” and “Fuck that” and “Fuck her” and “Fuck him” or [some other comment or even some sexist comment]. Yeah, I can tolerate that. I obviously say ‘fuck’, too. Cause you know why? Because they’re drunk. I get drunk sometimes, too. And drunks often say shit they don’t mean. I know this.

But when I’m walking home, when I’m walking to my fucking FRONT DOOR minding my own shit, and some shirtless, beefcake drunk of an asshole is standing outside shouting, and I’m STILL minding my own business even though it’s one o’clock in the morning and he’s shouting, when this shirtless drunk asshole calls me a “fucking dumb bitch” just for the fuck of it? Yeah, that’s when I get angry.

Because I’m you’re fucking neighbor, asshole. And we’re supposed to be ‘neighborly’.

So, Hi, welcome to the fucking ‘Plex.

So you know what, Patrick? You and your fucking parties on the weekend? They can hum. Because we are having words tomorrow. When we’re sober. And they ain’t gonna be pretty.

You still haven’t addressed your other asshole friend pissing in my fucking Ficus. So that’s coming out, too.

‘Fucking dumb bitch’, indeed.

Holy fuck if we ain’t civilized up in here.

Again, Canadian, I miss you.

“Jesus had two dads” via The Searcher on Flickr

If I wasn’t already quasi-married to The Partner, Hank would totally be the runner-up.

My office:

Hells yes Enterprise D schematic, courtesy of my friend Vic, who knows the nerd I am.

His video:

In my classroom we have a movie day once a week. This “serves” as a “positive reinforcement of behavior”. I didn’t institute it, let me say that right now. It has varying degrees of “positiveness”, ranging from the lowest, being able to watch the movie at all, (well, I guess the real lowest is not being able to watch it), to the highest, getting to have treats while watching it. In regards to the effectiveness of it, I’m yet to be convinced.

The main problem I have is finding decent movies for children. Let me also say I don’t have children of my own yet. But, I was a child once and I remember a chunk of the movies I watched as a child, and I think I have a pretty good grasp on what children of certain maturity levels should see in their media in-take.

There are a shit-ton of films for kids. There’s always the Disney stand-by, but many more film companies have made it an industry, too, so picking out the good from the bad is quite a task, as any parent-of-worth is aware.

Last week, for example, one of the movies up for possible viewing was Osmosis Jones (2001). It was picked by the majority, which is the voting system our classroom utilizes, unless overruled by the dictators (i.e., teacher[s]). I can wholeheartedly say that even though Bill Murray is one of the main characters, it is a Piece of Utter and Total Fucking Shit. And I’ve seen some shit movies in my time. This ranks up there with the teevee version of Titanic, which features a flippin’ rape scene in-between the singing, just so you can get perspective on how it rates on the Piece of Utter and Total Shit Meter.

A rough synopsis: Murray’s character is a low-life slob/single father eating his way to a heart attack, all while trying to impress and win the heart and trust of his daughter, a totally self-conscious adolescent (i.e., not yet even a teenager). He eats so shittily that his body, displayed in animation/cartoon, revolts (i.e., gets sick). The bulk of the film thus portrays the internal workings, according to the anatomical and medicinal education of the film company et al, from germs rising up and a virus threatening to take over and kill the host, to a white blood cell (ironically, the voice of Chris Rock) and a super-pill (what a beefcake of a man) coming in to save the day.

My best parts of the film:

• Murray’s character is sick and a friend of his comes over to hang. His friend brings a six-pack of beer and reminds Murray to “drink your fluids.” Murray asks if beer counts–you bet it does!
• Murray’s daughter is on the bus to school. Friends in the seat behind her present to her fake eyelashes they bought for her. She puts them on, self-consciously asks if they’re alright. Friends say, Are you kidding?! “YOU LOOK GOOD WITH FALSIES.”

WHAT THE FUCK.

Only Hollywood could make this shit up and call it appropriate for kids. Only a jaded/corrupted ratings board could rate it “PG for bodily humor”. Positive associations with beer don’t count, eh? Telling girls “falsies” are okay doesn’t count, either? WTF.

The Partner suggests I bring in old 1950s films from archive.org to show. I’d LOVE for my students to watch (and understand) films on proper hygiene, good manners, social behavior, and working hard in school, but my kids have the attention spans equating to attention span? Look, I’ve got toes here on my feet!

Today’s movie was Funky Monkey? Let me look it up.

Yes, Funky fucking Monkey (2004).

Ugh. Total and Utter Shit, again. At least there was only live-action, and no cartoon representations this time. Although, I think using a chimpanzee performing karate moves (and a gang of Asians(?) called “The Chows” [!!!]) cancels out those points. OMFG the CHOWS!

In short, I’m looking for films that:

• Show loving, caring relationships between children, children and adults, children and other animals, adults and other animals, etc.
• Have positive portrayals of all kinds of peoples (i.e., Blacks, African Americans are not the animals, bad guys; Whites are not the All-Saving Knights in Shinning Armor; and women are not helpless, self-absorbed, body-conscious bimbos and/or sluts in need of saving)
• Have no drug/alcohol references
• Don’t show unrealistic portrayals of humans and other animals
• Don’t encourage fantasy living
• Don’t encourage consumption/consumerism
• No preference for/mention of religion/particular religion
• Yet teach valuable lessons of self- and community-betterment

So far, it seems impossible. Please, prove me wrong.

One film I remember from childhood, Pete’s Dragon (1977), which I think I’ll bring in for next week (its merits openly debatable, so please do):